There’s nothing I love more than to share my misadventures in New York City dating with you. After receiving and digesting a particularly douchey text message from a guy who I had hung out with a few times (below), I felt majorly inspired to put this post together. Because, why not? So, without further adieu, here are 10 reasons why I’m currently single in no particular order.
1. Mommy Issues
Blonde, brunette, ginger. Maybe he’s trying to tell me that he doesn’t discriminate. But, let’s be honest, the simple fact that he even has those dolls in his possession, as a 28-year-old dude, speaks volumes. Notice their perfectly crossed legs. And who even took that photo like it was a good idea?!
2. Compliment Me
Maybe just try to say something nice to me. It’s pretty simple. “You look beautiful tonight.” “I really like your smile.” “You have a great sense of humor.” I’m not one of those girls who doesn’t know how to take a compliment. Complimenting me proves that you’re paying attention. I don’t dress up for nothing, ya know? It amazes me the number of guys I’ve met who don’t seem to understand this concept. Trust me, I always remember the ones who do.
Wow. Surprisingly this is going really well. We’ve gone on more than five dates. In fact, it’s three months in and I’m feeling pretty good about this. We’re having a great time getting to know one another. And then POOF! he disappears without warning. Never to be seen again. “Ghosted” as my dear friend Andres calls it. That is, until two years later when you randomly run into him at a Williamsburg bar on a lazy Sunday afternoon and your hands get clammy and you start to hyperventilate a little and you wonder if he notices you. And he does. And then you’re forced to engage in awkward conversation, meanwhile you’re dying inside because all of those unresolved feelings bubble to the surface. (via pixshark.com)
4. Unresonable Expectations
Huh. OK. So yeah, I guess you’re the only one who has a job and friends and obligations here. Need I remind you that we literally met a week ago? I’m not quite sure what you were expecting me to do aside from hold a genuine conversation, act polite and potentially ask you to get together again. Like, could you possibly be any more into yourself? I’d really like to know what ride I was taking because it wasn’t that enjoyable.
5. All of These
- Not since the last time I checked.
- Nope. Because I knew you’d end up on it one day.
- Show me the ring.
- I don’t love you, too.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, I received it. I just didn’t respond for obvious reasons.
- English, please.
- Thanks for sharing.
- Damn. He caught me.
- Definitely cyber-stalking.
- Funny you should ask…
- What am I, 65 years old?
Disclaimer: All of these are real messages sent to me by real single men trying to date in New York City circa 2012-2013.
6. It’s Not You, It’s Me
So, this single thing is partly my fault because I’m kinda really busy and care a lot about my career. I guess I haven’t been making enough time for my “love life.” (via meangirlgifs.tumblr.com)
7. Hello, I’m Up Here!
How is he even going to notice me when his cute nose is buried in that damn book?! (via Hotdudesreading on Instagram)
8. And All of These
Disclaimer: All of these are real single men, who have appeared in my Tinder feed, trying to date in New York City circa 2014-2015.
9. Mad High Standards
Like, really, really high. (via tumblr.com)
10. The Infamous Missed Connection
I’m pretty sure I’ve already met my future husband but he just doesn’t know it yet because he’s on that train and the door just closed in my face so I’ll never see him again. Ever. (via roleplaygateway.com)